Dirty ones, flamers, bastards, robbers

Whilst living in the hood is super cheap on a week to week basis, occasionally you pay a higher price.

After coming out of the "knife incident" (blog to come re: this) relatively unscathed, I thought that i'd be getting nothing but good vibes from the block for a while. How wrong i was!

Last night, after returning from bogan bingo, we were having a little night cap on the balcony with the neighbours and some random hood rats. I was pretty happy, having only spent 20 quid for the night.

Anyway, turned out these girls knew my fella and the Mrs of the fella my flatty had a lil fling with and we were all getting along great! Being the hostess with the mostess i went inside to make a round of voddys and left my handbag on my kitchen bench.

We were all drinking and being generally merry for a while when one of the girls asks to use our bathroom. Thinking nothing of it, we let her. A bit later, she goes in again, I'm thinking this is a bit odd given she's staying with our next door neighbour n his bathroom is like 5 meters away, but maybe she'd had a bad curry or whatever and could hold the distance - who am i to judge?!

My boy comes round and i go to bed, well, after spewing all over the bathroom floor.

I get up today and go to the offie to get a beena and have big dreams of following that with a bacon sandwich. I open my wallet to pay the whole 99p and see nothing. Yep, not a fucking penny!

The only logical conclusion clickhere is that some slag has cleared out my wallet!! £100, my credit card and my fucking change!!! Literally leaving me with a rail card, my aussie licence and a business card from some guy who offered to get me an Iranian passport!

So now, I've got no cash or cards, can't get a new aussie card sent to London and it's the start of the weekend! Well devvo'd.

#ThugLife lulz

The Real London Fashion Week – Part II: Get the London Look

Contrary to what Kate Moss and the genius marketing team at Rimmel will have you think, the “London Look” is far from catwalk glam, and is really probably something you’d rather SnogMarryAvoid!

 

For a country which has very little sun (trust me, I came with dreams of a European summer and am now paler than ever, with a vitamin D deficiency have seen no more than 8 sunny days in the past 7 months) the Brits are proper obsessed with being tanned...from a bottle! Whilst I’ve succumb to a bit of the ‘ol St Moriz, I don’t get it, we’re on the doorstep to the Mediterranean - how can the sun just completely ignore the UK in it’s entirety?! Obviously, I was never good at geography.

Which brings me to the down side of the fake bake – bad tans! London is flooded y girl who look like they’ve been in a food fight where the only available food was chicken tika!

RT’d from @ScouseBirdProbs (so not technically London) 

I’d heard many rumors of the lacking NHS dental services which have resulted in the Brits having notoriously bad teeth. Lets just get a few things straight, to have “bad teeth” one must have teeth to begin with. I think there is a lack of teeth, rather than those which do exist being bad. 

There’s a little urban myth doing the rounds in the hood about a girl (possibly an associate the writer) who got in a little heated debate with a local boy who may have proclaimed to anyone who would listen that he engaged in intimate relations with this girl. I can assure one that this did not occur.

When this girl publicly denied this, said boy decided to raise the bar (no, not litereally – again, I have it on very good authority that there were no relations!) and adds further his little story by adding that this girl gave him an STI.

One quiet night at the pub, so the story goes, this boy waits till this girl is sitting by herself and proceeds to loudly recount his little story.

This girl gets up and moves away from this uncouth fictional ‘recollection’, however this mouthy little cunt, I mean boy, continues to run his mouth. So I am told.

She goes inside and can still hear him talking shit, so she goes back outside and politely asks him to be quite. He doesn’t listen and she becomes a little emotional, as you would if someone was being so horrible to you, and screams at him. He continues to rabbit on and she eventually pushes him into the glass doors of the pub. She then gracefully departs.

The story goes that as she leaves, he gets up and continues to hurl abuse, but, as he does his FALSE TEETH FALL OUT OF HIS MOUTH AND ON TO THE GROUND!

THAT’S RIGHT! He is 20-odd and has false teeth!

 

My investigations tell me that this is not at all uncommon; a far stretch from the perfect white smile of Kate Moss and her world wide campaign to promote the “London Look”.

Note: I totally tried to phtoshop Kate Moss into a grey tracksuit, with bad teeth – complete with lipstick on her snaggletooth, and a radio active orange glow! But I’m shit at computers, so just visualize it!

xx

Kitty from the Block!

Happy Hump Day! Here's some kitty lovin'!

Prinny and the Cannabis Factory

Awoken again by commotion and sirens - turns out we've been living opposite a cannabis factory! who'da thought! Cue "HI MUM" sign!

Police busted a cannabis factory this morning as 200 officers carried out drug raids across Wandsworth.
Operation Hawk, part of a London-wide operation, has seen four people arrested in the borough so far for drugs offences.
A number of properties were raided yesterday evening and from 6am this morning, including one where officers found £10,000 worth of drugs.
Cocaine, ketamine, crystal meth, ecstasy and 1kg of mephedrone, known as miaow miaow, were discovered in the house in Deeley Road, Wandsworth, last night.

A 28-year-old man has been arrested for possession with intent to supply drugs, and has been remanded in custody.
Another 34-year-old man who visited the property while the search took place has been arrested and charged for possession of cocaine.
A cannabis factory in Gideon Road, Battersea, containing 25 plants was shut down following another search by police this morning.
The property contained a sophisticated hydroponics system for watering and feeding the plants and two people were arrested for suspected cannabis cultivation.
Search warrants in Sudbury House, Garratt Lane, saw two people receive warnings for cannabis. 

(http://www.wandsworthguardian.co.uk/news/9940991.Cocaine__ketamine__crystal_meth__ecstasy_and_mephedrone_found_during_drugs_crackdown/)

I hate ‘Made In Chelsea’

For anyone unfamiliar with the wank fest that is Made in Chelsea, here’s the deal (taxed from wiki):

Made in Chelsea (abbreviated as MiC) is a structured reality television series that is broadcast by E4. It is set in the wealthy Chelsea district of London and is similar in style to ITV2's The Only Way Is Essex. The show follows the lives of several young, affluent Chelsea socialites. Made in Chelsea is mostly shot in the West London areas of Belgravia, the Kings Road and Knightsbridge as well as occasionally featuring other locations such as Dubai and Finland.

FYI: scousewifes > TOWIE > MiC

And for anyone unfamiliar with London postcodes, whilst I’m still not entirely sure of the logic behind them, I can tell you this much; Chelsea is SW10 (and parts of SW3), and we are SW11.

The nouveau riche in SW11 like to front as if they’re really aristocrats from SW10 and say they live in ‘South Chelsea’. All that separates my hood from the luxury white terraces with wrought iron fences and million pound babies of Chelsea, is the Thames. Melbourians will be familiar with the north/south of the river debate, however to say you’re from ‘South Chelsea’ when your postcode is SW11 is like saying you’ve got an inner city apartment in South Yarra, when really you live in the housing commission high rise on Malvern Road, Prahran!

Anyway, MiC claims to portray the lives of South west Londoners; a few puncy boys who couldn’t fight their way out wet paper bag and spend their time getting their portraits painted and playing polo and some holier than thou, wannabe virgin mary prinnys who do sweet fuck all, but for shopping at ritzy Sloane Square boutiques 24/7!

 Above: Francis from MiC debates whether he should be holding a pineapple or a globe in his portrait. I think he should save the cash and get some testosterone supps!

There’s usually a heated debate in out flat when this tripe is aired on E4, I always tell my flatty it’s on and immediately regret it! I cringe at the pathetic excuses for men, who spend more time doing their hair than I do and then go fencing together (not on a farm like a real man, that stupid fake knife fight thing) And really, it makes for shit boring telly!

If the makers of MiC were to cross the river and come to the dark side that is SW11, I could hook them up with a ton of highly entertaining material – fellas who wear matching (grey) Polo tracksuits rather than playing polo, real knife fights, teen mum’s who shop at Primark and the only portraits that get painted here are memorial graffiti murals for the poor, life long estate boy who was found dead in questionable circumstances!

So, Imma write to E4 with this bangin' idea. I'll let ya's know how it pans out...

 

Intro - Take 2!

I accidentally deleted the OG intro on my phone so here it is again:

I had every intention of starting this when I moved in as I had a feeling my future in this block would hold stories galore. However, there have been significant delays in getting an internet connection which has seen us living in the dark ages for a few months now and only being able to access facespace off our phones like some sort of cave women!

That shit’s sorted now though so here’s what you’ve missed so far….

I scored a flat in a decent inner city area of London. Cheap as chips, or crisps as they are here. It’s a hovel and I’m pretty sure my dogs back home actually have better living conditions than me at the moment, but again, it’s in London and it’s cheap – a rarity, and I hold on to those facts every time I have a breakdown and compare my life to that of someone in a third world country, living in a tent with dirt floors…mind you, the floors here a fucking filth.

Here’s a pretty picture for ya: when I got the place there was a bottle of methadone in the fridge, countless rolls of foil, a few candles and some bottles full of what looked to be urine. Pretty sure it was an actual crack house (“in London and cheap” repeat…) also, my landlord, who’s suss (and sweaty) as they come, gave me an 82cm tele which is possibly proceeds of the riots last year. It’s still got the plastic protector sheet across the screen to this day.

We’re on the third (or second depending on how you count) floor. Also on the level is a prostitute (I’m not saying that in a derogatory way. She really does turn tricks from her flat. She’s also got some weird relationship going on with a bird who lives in the block opposite us), some poor girl who just had a baby but gets beaten up by the baby daddy on the reggers, and right next door a delightful guy by the name of Danger.

Above us is a guy with the same name as the prozzie (yep, this gets a little confusing) who sells a variety of things from his flat and directly on top is who we suspect to be a world champion tap dancer. Whilst we’ve never seen him or her, there is a constant tap dancing sound into the wee hours of the morning on most days.

Probably easier to put this all in diagram form (rather, tangled web) for easy future reference:

So, welcome to our block! 

My block is was on the news tonight! #London crop house raids #sw11 #EverybodyNeedsGoodNeighbours -- Prinny fromthe Block (@YouAlrightLove)